Avoid The "Freak Out" Route

Most parents and teens do battle, and these "power struggles" test everyone's patience.

You casually ask your daughter if she is going to wear that shirt, and she retorts, "Don't freak out mom!" What's a parent to do? While these challenges are a normal part of every day life with teens, there are steps to take to avoid (or at least reduce) the "freak out" route.

STAY COOL.
If we overreact or lose our cool, we diminish our control with teens and escalate the conflict.

Parents show they are in charge by staying calm and dealing with an issue even-handedly.

(Yes, it's easier said than done.)

STICK TO THE GROUND RULES.
Decide on a few non-negotiable rules. These can be as simple as "no television until homework is finished," or "put dirty clothes in the hamper." When a teen pushes back, don't argue over details or negotiate. Simply say, "Sorry, that is against the family rules." Teens will try and outwit us or start an argument. Don't over-explain, and don't renegotiate. Just remind them of the rule.

IGNORE THE "SMALL STUFF."
Many conflicts are not worth your time and energy. Does it really matter if their bedroom is clean for a sleepover? Would it be the end of the world if they play one more CD? Probably not.

The key to successful parenting is to know which battles are worth tackling. Concentrate only on those issues that genuinely need your attention to protect your teens well-being.

KNOW WHEN TO LET IT GO.
Conflict carries different meanings and feelings for parents and teens. When teens blow up about something we feel is "insignificant," teens tend to forget about the issue soon afterwards. For us, the tension can linger and make us more upset. Sometimes, we just have to let it go. Learn to ignore the "attitude," the flip remark or the threat of disobedience from your teen.

WHY ALL THE FREAKING OUT?
"Because I'm the parent" doesn't work anymore. Teens know they can reach conclusions on their own, think independently and question and debate (this may also mean arguing). Their world has expanded, and they can go to other adults and friends for advice and answers. Like it or not, it's natural for a teen to question adult authority, and it's ok if they don't agree with us all the time.

IT'S NOT "COOL" TO BE WITH PARENTS.
Teens are developing their sense of identity - and it can be an anxious time for them. The bad news? Teens will go to great lengths to distance themselves from us so they can establish their identity and independence. The good news? Questioning the rules and re-examining beliefs we taught them is the norm. And while teens may disagree with adults sometimes for no other reason than to be different from us, they may also have a logical reason for coming to their own conclusion. It's a challenge, but we must try to better understand how teens weigh decisions.

Adapted from "Positive Parenting of Teens" University of Minnesota Extension Service & University of Wisconsin--Extension, 1999.

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Holding the Family Hostage

Some families have expressed the feeling of being held hostage by their teenager. They are now able to do as they please within the household - they come home when they want - they leave when they want - they do as they please in school and somehow parents tend to go along with that because it takes too much emotional energy to do otherwise. Parents are spent emotionally.

They just don’t know what else to do. Here is an example -

Dad and mom and the kids are having a good time at home. The house is quiet. There is fun and laughter and relaxation. Dad and mom are relaxed and everyone is smiling. Suddenly they hear the front door open and in walks their teenager. As soon as they walk through the door, dad and mom feel different and their faces show their expression of concern. They become tense.

The other siblings stop playing. There is now an air of expectancy that at any minute there will be some kind of disruption and eruption. The teen walks in without any acknowledgment of any kind, goes to their room, turns up the music, goes to the kitchen to get drink and food, and slams their bedroom door. In the kitchen is a mess of dishes. Who is going to say something?

Will this action and behavior be ignored or overlooked to “keep the peace” in the family?

Unfortunately this family chooses to overlook the actions just to keep the “peace” and not create further disruption. The family is being held hostage. Is there some way out for this family?

What do you think? What would you suggest this family do? This is a 15 year old.

Children of the Twenty First Century

During the summer months I travel quite a bit visiting many of the students I assist. Each one gets an opportunity to sit and talk with me one-on-one, and over the last few years I have noticed quite a change in these children.

It is quite obvious to me that Children of the Twenty First Century can feel on a much greater level than previous generations.

They challenge the traditional beliefs people carry. I am remembering that pain is a teacher, as is joy.

These children carry greater extremes in their souls which assist in opening people’s eyes and ears when they allow it. We need to allow them to think instead of simply following.

These children are definitely more sensitive to energy and their surroundings.

When one attempts to work with these children and their reactions, they must understand what they are reacting to. With these children never assume anything, be sure to know what they are reacting to. When one attempts to tell a child that they understand what is triggering them, and it is an energy that they are really unaware of, then the child picks up and that. The connection between the child and the person working with the child will be broken and no real progress will be made. This will often put the child into an even further reaction. Therefore when one is to work with one of these children they must work with that specific child, to know that individual child, and to let go of lumping them into a group.

When people see groups, they then truly fail to see the individual.

The power of the Children of the Twenty First Century is within each and every individual, not the group.

How many people want to place the label ADD, ADHD on these children, and attempt to work with them based on the label, when the label does not address the individual’s issue? A test to see if your child actually has trouble focusing is to get them to do something that they enjoy, when they can focus on what that is, then they do not have trouble focusing. Therefore in addressing the label of ADD, ADHD you are completely missing the real issue. These children are very strong willed, yet how many parents attempt to break them into their beliefs as one would break a wild horse? How many parents attempt to put blinders on their children so they see what the parents want them to? How many parents attempt to create a bonding through beliefs, teach their child their pain so then they have something to relate? How many of these children pick up their parent’s pain, so they can relate to their parents? How many children blame their parents for their pain, and how many parents blame their children? When you want to relate to these children, relate to them as individuals, and respect their individuality. When you attempt to take that individuality away from them so you can relate to them, it will blow up in your face. When you work with a child through the predetermined belief that you know them, when all you know is a label, then you are dishonoring them as a human being. When you fail to understand them as individuals and only look at the group, then you are dishonoring them as a human being, because to honor these children is to honor them as true individuals. Those that fail to hear the individual child, and fail to look past the labels, yet talk without seeing or hearing do not understand these children. When you are working with these children there is only one name you need to know, their's.

The Mild PAS Alienator

The Mild Alienator

"Tell your mother that she has more money than I do, so let her buy your soccer shoes."

Most divorced parents have moments when they are mild alienators. These parents mean well and recognize the importance of the children having a healthy relationship with the other parent. They rarely have to return to court because of problems with visits or other issues relating to the children. They encourage the relationship between the children and the other parent and their family. Communication between both parents is usually good, though they will have their disagreements, much like they did before the divorce. For the most part, they can work out their differences without bringing the children into it. Children, whether or not their parents are divorced, know there are times when their parents will argue or disagree about something. They don't like seeing their parents argue and may feel hurt or frightened by what they hear. Somehow, the children manage to cope, either by talking out their feelings to a receptive parent, ignoring the argument or trusting that the skirmish will pass and all will heal.

What they see and hear between their parents does not typically damage the children of the mild alienator.

They trust their parent's love and protection. The child and the parent have distinct personalities, beliefs and feelings. Neither is threatened by how the other feels towards the targeted parent. The characteristics of mild alienators are:

• Their ability to separate in their minds the children's needs from their own. They recognize the importance for the children to spend time with the other parent so they can build a mutually loving relationship. They avoid making the other parent a target for their hurt and loss.
• Their ability to feel secure with the children's relationship with their grandparents and their mother or father.Their respect for court orders and authority.
• Their ability to let their anger and hurt heal and not interfere with the children's relationship with their mother or father.
• Their ability to be flexible and willing to work with the other parent.
• Their ability to feel guilty when they acted in a way to hurt the children's relationship with their mother or father.
• Their ability to allow the other parent to share in their children's activities.
• Their ability to share medical and school records.

Mild alienators usually don't need therapy, however, they may benefit from learning about parental alienation because of the insight they will gain about how to keep alienation from escalating into something more severe and damaging for all. These parents know they make mistakes but care enough about their children to make things right. They focus on what is good for the children without regret, blame or martyrdom.

The need for parents to be friends with their kids

I have never fully understood the real need for parents to be friends with their kids. Is it the easy way out in your mind? Do you believe that your kids will be more honest with you about what is going on with them and what they are doing? Do you need to be known as the “cool parent” so you feel better about yourself?

Let me offer a perspective as a parent and as someone who has spent thousands of hours listening to kids talk about what is going on with them. Breaking down and discounting parent-child boundaries (adult/child boundaries) may be one of the most dangerous behaviors that parents engage in. Whatever soothing explanations you concoct in your heads to justify doing this doesn’t make it any less dangerous. It ultimately creates havoc at home because it renders your authority almost totally worthless. That’s only the beginning.

Your kids then go out into the big world thinking that other adults will want to form real friendships with them.

Most adults in the world won’t take on that role with no boundaries and they will answer the kids with a resounding “who in the heck do you think you are?” The teachers, the supervisors, the bosses, the powers that be have no interest in being friends with your kids. Most know their roles. And the kids will be upset that the way it is at home is not the way it is in the world.

Will they blame themselves or their parents or those that have rejected their overtures of friendship? That’s not the worst part. There will be some adults out there that will get it.

Those are the ones who are the most dangerous. They will see the desire for friendship and they will use it as a way into the heads of your kids. They will spot the broken down boundaries , the complete openness and they will enter into your child's life in person, via the Internet most times and in ways that you cannot even imagine, and nor do you want to. So .... parent or friend?

Teen Entitlement & Lost Empathy

Parents ask me almost every day -

"How did it happen? Did we do this to our teen or can we put the blame on society? How do I get my teen to lose the entitlement attitude? Do they need medication? "

“It’s all about me”, the kids say. That is what Dad and Mom taught them from the day they were born. You made them the center of your universe and now they truly do believe they are the center of the universe. Now that they are 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17 you can’t take it back because all the experts say it will hurt their self-esteem. If you hurt their self-esteem they will be permanently injured and unable to take care of themselves.

Then you will have an 18, 19, 20, 21, 22 year old living with you that you are still taking care of.

You have wrapped them up tight and snug in their own little world where they are feeling untouchable. Dad and Mom .... you have taught them not to care about anyone else but themselves. Quick .... time for a change ... with them and with you!

Is it Bad to be a Tough Parent?

Tiger Woods has been in the news this week. Ouch!

So also has Tim Russert (may he rest in peace). Both reached the top of their professions.

Both had tough parents who pushed hard. And there are many more out there who have accomplished greatness in large and small ways. I would be willing to bet that each one of them has somebody in their life who had high expectation, demanded much, pushed and prodded and even provoked. Is it possible that the reason some people are moved to access their gifts and pursue being the very best is because someone is pushing them? Greatness may be, in part, a response to the tenacity of someone who thinks we are capable of more. What makes us so reluctant as parents to be tough as nails with those we love? Do we think our kids are not capable of greatness and not worth the investment to get them there?

I Believe The Children Are The Future, Teach Them Well and Let Them Lead The Way . . .

Do we think that higher expectations are going to damage them or scare them away or cause them to stop loving us?

Is it our own fear and insecurity that prevents us from demanding the best from ourselves and from others? Did anybody ever push you to be better than what you thought you could be?

Did anybody ever ask of you to do the extra hard work and did they hold you accountable when you wanted to give up on yourself? Do you really believe that greatness is possible? It just could be that all of us are capable of the most creative fantastic achievements if only someone would believe enough to push us to realize our full potential. Maybe toughness is nurturing when it gets a person to be where they need to be.

Specialized Career Training for New Educational Consultants

Specialized Career Training for New Educational Consultants

Presented by: Dore E. Frances, M.A., Founder of Horizon Family Solutions, LLC

This two-day hands on training in Bend, Oregon is designed for the newer Independent Educational Consultant or those interested in a new career path in this particular field.

This career training is for those who are specializing in the areas of residential therapeutic boarding schools and outdoor wilderness programs. Our focus will be on those who want to learn more about managing and promoting a compassionate business. You will learn how to work effectively with students and families in their healing process, build knowledge of the wide range of options available to families and their students, and establish a compassionate, competent, ethical and professional independent educational practice. The training is specifically designed so each of the two full days provides a mixture of large group discussion and small group dialogue.

Benefits:

· Networking and Marketing ideas and contacts

· · Guidelines for detailed and effective visits for programs, schools and wilderness camps

· · Information about professional memberships in many different areas and their benefits

· · Office procedures for managing and creating a compassionate, efficient and successful small educational consulting business

· · Sample documents, forms, and related material which may be adapted to your business needs

· Tools for working with admissions personnel

For More Information Call:

Deb Carstens
Administrative Director
Horizon Family Solutions, LLC.
Bend Or 97701
541-788-9908 Cell

I Have Little Use for the Past .....

.... and rarely think about it any longer. My past feels now as if it were a past lifetime or somebody else's life. While on my recent sabbatical I was so stunned by this strange realization that my mind stopped. I was fully conscious, but there were no more thoughts. As I stood with my toes in the water at the edge of the shore, I felt drawn into what seemed like a vortex of energy. It was all in slow motion. I heard the words "resist nothing." There was no fear and I don't remember hearing any other sounds around me. For the next 6 hours or so I was in a state of uninterrupted bliss and deep peace. After that, as I began to re-enter the daily life of the world, this feeling diminished somewhat in intensity and yet also became more a part of my natural state of being.

I know that something has been changing in me over time, especially during the last year or so.

I don't understand it all. This change and growth is with me now in the essence of my work with children and families. It is with me as I prepare to write about the needed spiritual healing of the children of the 21st century.

The mind is a superb instrument. Just because you can figure out a complicated math arrangement of numbers or complete a 100,000 piece jig saw puzzle does not mean you use your mind. Just as cats love to scratch on the furniture, your mind loves to attach itself to problems.

Where I see the kids struggling today is that they have not learned how to free their mind whenever they want to. They have not found the "off" button ...... because their parents have no off button and have not taught them this gift. The good news is that you can free yourself from your mind. This is true liberation. Your mind is an instrument, a tool. It is there to be used for a specific task.

Forget about your life situation for a while and pay attention to your life. Your life is now.

Your life is real. Use your senses fully. Look around. Just look, don't interpret. See the colors, light, shapes, textures. Be aware. Listen to the sounds, don't judge anything. Listen to the silence underneath the sounds. Touch something - anything - and feel. Allow everything to be.

Our kids of today are struggling because they have not been taught how to accomplish this in their lives - their parents have lost touch with this reality of life. The kids of today do not know how to leave behind the deadening world of mental abstraction. They have not been taught how to get out of the insane that is draining them of life energy. That is because their parents do not know how to teach them this. The kids have been taught to live in a "yes, but ...." world.

"Everything in our family is honored, but nothing really matters" ~ Kevin, age 16.

What Works for Troubled Teens?

The most effective residential / wilderness treatments for troubled teenagers have these things in common: They use family-based therapies; they treat adolescents with compassion, dignity, empathy and respect.

Research has proven the effectiveness of a number of methods for treating youth with behavioral and other problems—including cognitive-behavioral family therapy, functional family therapy, and multisystemic family therapy. All of them focus on improving communication between children and parents, setting clear boundaries, and ensuring that teenagers' developmental needs for increased freedom, social connection, and responsibility are recognized and met in safe and healthy ways. Since most challenges involve fractured family relationships, recovery requires repairing those bonds. Youth will modify their dangerous behavior in response to practical, problem-solving, behavioral therapies—when they feel respected and cared for.

Effective therapies also recognize that different problems require different approaches.

What helps a kid with Asperger's or autism is different from what is needed for a child with conduct disorder or depression or drug addiction. Appropriate therapies tailored to these conditions can make all the difference. Residential programs, on the other hand, are not a one size fits all, and many offer individualized care. Any program that takes "all" kids no matter what their behavior is setting the child and the family up for potential failure - emotionally and financially. Getting youth to challenge themselves and be open to a new way of making choices often takes longer than parents realize (or hope for). Avoid programs that promise too much, as well as those that exaggerate the danger of problematic but common teen troubles such as bad attitudes, experimentation with drugs, and poor grades,. Such programs exploit parents who are in crisis and feel desperate.

Horizon Family Solutions is widely recognized as a leader in the ethical and professional delivery of adolescent crisis intervention, educational consulting, student assessments, and special education advocacy. We serve clients locally, nationally and internationally.

We believe that the choices you make regarding your adolescent's or young adult's education and life steps are among the most important decisions a family makes.

Horizon Family Solutions focuses primarily on the families of special needs children, adolescent's and young adult's and assists those ages 9 to 29.